Sigh

So, a huge thing about me is this: I HATE disappointing, pissing off, or hurting anyone. It makes me feel like shit most of the time. Sure, sometimes I just have to stand up to someone and they'll get pissed off, but I'm usually justified and so don't feel as bad about it.

Well, last night I apparently hurt someone. A lot. I'd been chatting with a guy I met on FetLife. I had made it clear, or so I thought (though I don't know how I can get any clearer than "I just see you as a friend."), that I was only interested in friendship from him. He even joked often he was "trying to behave." So I assumed he understood. But apparently not. Last night he made a comment that he could do to me what was in a pic I had commented on. I'm all for platonic flirting, but knowing that this guy liked me a lot, I didn't think he was platonicly flirting with his offer, so I responded, "No thank you." To which he said, "Ouch!" Understandable and a fair response. I apologized but he continued with his guilt trip. Even going so far to post about it in his status on Fet - no names were said, just said he was tired of speaking up and getting hurt and so he was going to shut up from now on.

I felt and still feel HORRIBLE. I know I probably shouldn't. I made my intentions of friends only clear, or at least tried to. And logic would state that it would NEVER work between us. His profile says he is a Switch, but he told me he felt like dominating in the bedroom lately. But all of his actions screamed "sub!" to me. He constantly asked me what I thought of him and his pictures and if I missed him that day. Okay, I know I can be pretty damn needy at times, but even I reign that kind of stuff in, especially when just starting to get to know someone. I don't understand why he doesn't see that we wouldn't be a good match, but I guess that part isn't really my problem.

His guilt trip made me feel horrible all night. Other things which wouldn't normally have upset me, did since I was so emotionally raw from feeling so guilty. I went to bed wanting to cry myself to sleep, but the tears wouldn't come. One of the times I hate that it's so damn hard for me to cry since I know it would be a stress relief right now. I woke up several times over the course of the night. I knew I would. When I have guilt eating at me, I don't tend to sleep well.

Well, this morning I wake up with an idea to make myself feel better and to surprise my Sir. Yeah, think before acting. Actually, normally, sending picture messages without asking first and causing a possible "oops" would most likely make me crack up laughing. It's just after last night, the emotions are a little raw. *sigh*

I'll get over it all eventually. And probably laugh about the picture thing later today or tomorrow.

Thanks for "listening" to me whine. I promise not many posts will be this bad. I just had to get this one off my chest.