Drama: No Thank You!

I’ve realized something this weekend. I don’t do drama. I knew before that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t tolerate it, but none of my friends tried to force it down my throat. This weekend that happened. And I realized my reaction is to pull away from it however possible.

I played with someone I THOUGHT I had permission from my friend to play with. She has a girlfriend but is play partners with the guy I played with. They aren’t in a relationship, just play partners. So there shouldn’t be an issue at all, but clearly there was. Apparently she’d revoked the permission and failed to inform me. Or rather, she wanted me to reask now that there was a specific date set up. Never mind the fact she was actually setting up a date between him and me where her and her girlfriend would also help him spank, flog, and whip me. So, I didn’t think it was necessary to ask permission, yet again, before I set up the date, so the date was set up, spontaneously at that. I was still going to tell her about it in the morning because while I knew I had her permission, I’m considerate like that and I wanted to make sure there would be no issues. I have little like for talking via email, so I was waiting until I could talk to her via IM at the least.

But I never even got the chance. By the time I had woken up, she had heard of the play date and gotten herself upset to the point of being sick. She was closing down her Fet page and asked me not to contact her. I had an inkling as the day went on what her issue was, but wasn’t certain. It didn’t make sense to me. It still doesn’t. Why would she get so distraught over me playing with this guy she had already given me permission to play with AND was setting up a date for all of us with?

I finally figured out for certain the day after it all that her upsetness was because of me. She feels “betrayed by someone she thought she could trust.” Really? Betrayed? Because I didn’t ask permission, yet again? Too much drama over something so ridiculous.

I got pissed off. That’s my reaction to drama. Especially when it’s shoved down my throat. I’m still pissed off because it’s still being shoved down my throat. Almost to the point that I am close to saying “fuck it, it is really not worth the friendship to me.” I don’t do drama. I stay far away from it. I don’t friend known drama queens. I can’t handle their constant up and down.

Sure, we all have moments of getting emotional, but for the most part, I’m fairly rational in my emotions. I like things calm and even keel. It takes too much energy to be so up and down.

So I’m certain she thinks I don’t give a shit, and I guess in part she’s correct because part of me just wants to get away from the drama. But it’s more of my reaction to drama than my feelings about the friendship. And it doesn’t help that I still don’t understand how she has gotten so upset over the whole situation. She claims everything would have been far better if she had found out from me instead of from her girlfriend, but really, not in my control beyond sending a message. And really, who sends a freaking message like that? “Oh by the way, So-and-so and I are going to play tomorrow night. You’re still okay with that, right? I mean, you are setting up a date for all of us, so words and actions are both fitting with you being okay with this.”

Oh, and she feels we did this behind her back, even though it was very public and very obviously spontaneous how we went about setting up the date.

But whatever. She’s blogging like crazy about it, playing the “wounded, innocent, betrayed by the evil friend” card. I want to respond, but I think it’s best for me to just leave her alone until she gets stuff sorted out in her head and becomes more rational about it all. So I guess in a way, this is my response. I don’t blog enough for anyone to keep tabs on this blog, outside of the 4 people who get the emails, so she may not even read this until weeks or months later. And that’s just fine. Probably for the best even. I just needed to get this crap off of my chest and have my side of the story out there in the ether.

I am also a little bitter that my first real experience with getting my ass beat was marred with this drama, but oh well. I’m certain there will be future opportunities to get beat, and I can relish in those when they occur, hopefully. And no worries, I'll try to remember to blog about this first for me sometime this week, because it sure was a ton of fun!

Guess for now, I just sit back and see where this heads while trying to stay away from the dramatics as much as possible.

Oh, I have a blog?

I keep forgetting I have a blog. And forgetting to update it. Oopsies.

Really, I am sorry I keep forgetting about this. Not as though I have a ton of readers or say much of interest, but some people may be interested in my ramblings.

I'll try to get some updates going.

Fetish: Spanking (Updated)

Well, this girl finally got her first real spanking. I didn't even have to misbehave to get it either. Hehe!


I had no real expectations going into it, so I can't say that it was or was not what I expected it to be. I don't think I expected it to hurt so much. I was thinking of the mild smacks I had received before. But Bourbonlime is strong and can hit hard. And he really got into it as much as I did. Once the smacks were landing on places which had already been hit the stinging set in. It didn't last long, but it definitely stung. But I'm find I don't really mind about the pain from being spanked, and now I also have nice marks on my tushie. Hopefully they'll last until the next time Bourbonlime and I can play and he can give me new marks. Never thought I was a masochist, but I guess I'm a little bit of one since it takes pain to create marks, and I really like marks.

This was also the first time I had ever been high after having sex. Nothing was really different on the sex side of what we did. Sex with Bourbonlime is ALWAYS fantastic. So all that's really left as a variable is me getting spanked. It's entirely possible that is why I was high. Or maybe it was something else. I guess time and more experiences will be the judge. But I can say this, being high after getting fucked very well is AMAZING!!! I was a little goofy too. And "yelled" at one friend for expecting me to use my brain. Once I explained I was still high though so could not be expected to think, he was fine. Haha! But still...being high from sex was awesome.

Positivity

I have a problem when it comes to guys. I’ve spent lots of time pursuing guys who were interested at one point in time but then who, for one reason or another, lost interest; and trying to fix relationships (dating and friends) in which I was the only one trying to fix things. It’s damaging to one’s ego. And a complete waste of time.

The problem is I hate giving up on people, so I will give them a million chances, always hoping they will change. That way, I know when I do give up on them and write them off, I don’t have to feel guilty over it. But in the meantime, I look like a giant idiot because I’m the only one trying. And probably annoying the piss out of the other person, which just makes things worse.

So I’m pulling up my big girl panties and forcing myself to change. I’m going to attempt to listen to what a person’s actions are telling me about them and their opinion on things. I tend to be afraid I’m assuming something which is incorrect, but I really need to learn to just go with my gut. If a guy isn’t making it obvious he’s interested and staying in contact or saying why he won’t be in contact for awhile, I need to learn to accept his disinterest. And I need to move on, not feel guilty for doing so, and not feel bad about any part of it.

So from now on I'm choosing to be positive. And I will remind myself of the awesome things I have. Some of which are:

• I have an amazingly sexy lover/play partner, whom I love and who loves me, but will still let me play with anyone else I want to.  (And he can play with whomever to, just so you don’t think it’s one-sided.)
• I have awesome friends - Fet & non-Fet, who love me and care about me as an entire person, and who support me no matter what.
• I constantly have cute, sexy, funny guys to chat with who are potential future play partners (mostly online because of distance), or at the very least, fun guys to flirt with.
• And I have marks on my butt because Bourbonlime finally gave me that spanking I’ve been waiting for. Hehe!

Therefore, I’ve no need to dwell on the ones who no longer seem interested in me. I don’t need to waste my time, seeking approval and acceptance from people who don’t care enough to give it. I can revel in being an extremely lucky girl, because I really am surrounded by so many awesome people.

"Good Girl"

Oh how I love hearing or reading this phrase. I seriously get a thrill every single time. I’ve been the type of person who strives to achieve good attention all of my life, so it’s not really a shock I would love hearing this. But yet it still is a shock to me how much I love hearing this. My heart will normally skip a beat or my stomach will clench when I’ve done or said something to earn a “good girl.” And I probably get a big stupid grin on my face.

I love this phrase so much, I even got a smile and a thrill when I read it in a story. The story had nothing to do with D/s and the conversation was between a girl and her boyfriend’s mother and the mother said to her, “You are a good girl,” in with some other things. I got a stupid grin on my face before I even realized it wasn’t remotely in the same context. That’s how much I love hearing it. 

For that reason, some of my brattiness may get shoved aside in favor of trying to earn this phrase more often. But we’ll see. I’ve found I tend to be brattier online than in person. Perhaps that’s because I only see my play partner once a week, if that, and so I want our time together to be really good. I don’t want to waste it with brattiness. He gets my brattiness online though. No worries, it hasn’t died. I am still me. And perhaps if we spent more than a few hours a week together, he’d get it in person. Wonder if I would get those spankings if I was bratty in person???? Hmmmm...something to be considered. Tehe.

Fetish: Spanking

Mmmm…spanking. Okay, in fairness, I haven’t actually gotten a good solid spanking yet. I’m still waiting. I have had my ass slapped a few times though. Nothing substantial, but I think it has been enough to learn I do enjoy this, immensely.

I didn’t really question if I would or wouldn’t be into this though. I was fairly certain it would be a resounding “YES!” I can remember as a child being excited for birthday spankings. Okay, I know it was all about the attention then and not about being turned on, but the idea didn’t bother me. I guess maybe it was because I never really got spanked as a child. All my parents needed to do was give me a stern look and I’d burst into tears. I can only even remember one spanking. And it was for something stupid. My dad was teaching me to ride a bike, and I couldn’t get it…yet. I actually got spanked for that! Then again, that was in his drinking days. Mom coddled me and took my side afterwards. So :p to dad!

But I digress. It amazes me the kinks people get into. And me having a curious, scientific mind, I want to study the psychology behind it. But I’m not going to go out and interview a bunch of people, so I just analyze my own self. But I still don’t have answers.

The only answer I have is that when my friend ran his hand down my back and smacked my ass, it felt amazing. When my current play partner randomly smacks my ass, I relish in it and want more. I’m still waiting for the day when someone gives me a proper spanking…to the point of giving me a very red, and possibly bruised, ass. It’s possible I wouldn’t like that so much, but I don’t think so. I am fairly certain I will be thankful for having a job I must be standing at all times for though. Haha!

Fetish: Hair Pulling

Oh yes, Suz likes having her hair pulled. The first time I played is when I learned this one. My friend who enlightened me on how good anal can be was fingering me, rather hard, and then he reached down, grabbed my hair and pulled so hard it yanked my head back. I was kind of in heaven. 

My current play partner has pulled my hair several times as well and I love it every time.

There is a catch though. I have to be aroused or at least into you for me to enjoy it. I met up with a guy I had been chatting with for several weeks and within the first few minutes of meeting he pulled my hair to control my head. And I was definitely not into it. All I was thinking was “What the fuck? Well this is awkward…and sucks.”

I mean, I already knew random hair pulling would piss me off and make me likely to punch or kick you. But now I know, and I suppose others should know as well, if I’m not into you and you pull my hair I’m going to like you even less. You won’t get punched or kicked, I’ll just be thinking you’re weird. Haha. Although, I do think it was inappropriate when this guy did it. We had JUST met in person. Not even talked for 5 minutes and he did it. Geez Louise, give me some time to figure out if I like you or not first please! 

So yeah, if I’m not into you or if you aren’t sure if I’m into you, pulling my hair = bad idea. But if I’m into you, and you’ll KNOW, then pull my hair as much as you want. Mmmm….

Fetish: Hand on Throat/Neck

The thought of a hand on my neck, firmly gripping but not squeezing, has intrigued me for awhile. However, it wasn’t until I was making out in Target with my current play partner and he put his hand on my neck that I found out how much I really liked. I’m pretty sure I moaned the first time he did it. Yes, I like it that much.

I know I don’t want to be choked. I’ve been choked before, albeit it was not in a sexual sense. Although, the next time my play partner and I played, he did it again and this time he started squeezing. At first it was okay, but then it became too much. I told him, he backed off. And come to think of it, he hasn’t done it since...I think I need to talk to him about this. ;)

But yes, Suz likes the hand on her throat…very much. 

I’m not really sure why. Perhaps it is the power one has over me by placing their hand there. Perhaps it is just incredibly intimate with a touch of forcefulness. Not sure on the why. But I am sure on the liking it.

Anal

I tried anal for the first time over 10 years ago. The guy I was dating at the time, really wanted to do it. He told me he knew how to make it feel good for both of us. He was full of shit. He was also a pathological liar, which I realized later and broke up with him for, but that’s a different story. 

Anyways, since I wanted to make him happy, even though I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole thing, I agreed to it. He had me lie on my side. There was no prep really and there were no weeks of training my ass. He wasn’t even that hard when he went to push in and while I think he lubed up a little, it certainly wasn’t enough. 

It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t pleasant. It just felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. I have since learned he did EVERYTHING wrong. I shouldn’t have been lying on my side, I should’ve been ass up. He should’ve been hard as a rock, so it would make it easier on me when he was sliding in. He should’ve lubed up A LOT. And at a minimum, there should’ve been size prep in that moment – finger to multiple fingers to a dildo and then his cock.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. One of my Fet friends & I are discussing anal and he tells me I should give it another try, suggesting I buy an anal training kit and use that first. I take his suggestion and get the kit. I open it and am scared to death of the large plug. I still am. Haha! The medium plug is at least sane to think about. But I start out with the small plug. It feels awkward to me. I don’t really know how I feel about it, and I’m back to worrying that I will never like anal.

A week or so later same friend comes over. He tells me he wants me to use the medium plug, so I hand him the plug and the lube. He fucks my ass with the plug for awhile, and I’m in shock at how good it feels and that it is actually turning me on! He fingers me for a long time, occasionally bumping the plug, and I’m in heaven. I will never forget the experience because he actually showed me anal could feel amazing. I owe him many thanks for that one. (I’m sure some future guys do as well. Ha!)

My next endeavor was putting the plug in myself. I used the friend’s method of fucking myself with it for awhile first and then getting it in. Then I got brave and pulled out a couple of toys and used them on my pussy, while the plug was in. It was incredible. I could feel the head of the dildo sliding passed the plug. You’d think it would be an awkward feeling, but it wasn’t at all. 

And now, I really, REALLY want to try DP with two guys. I mean, I wanted an MMF threesome anyways, but now it could perhaps be even more fun. 

I suppose I should at least try anal without toys first though. I’ll get there. But at least I no longer have a fear of anal and know it can feel amazing!

My First Time

Well, it has been awhile since I’ve updated. And there is lots to tell! I’ll break it into a few posts. Maybe then I won’t go weeks without updating. Sorry about that, truly.

Biggest update is that I’ve actually played a few times. Finally!

The first time was an exciting experience. Okay, they all were, but the first time I found out things I really enjoyed and didn’t know I would or only thought I would.

A friend from Fet came over to my house spur of the moment. He asked first of course, but it was planned that night, not days or weeks in advance. Which may have been best because then I didn’t have time to get nervous. It was actually the first time we met face-to-face too. Normally, I wouldn’t play on a first meet or let that person come to my house, but we had been talking for a couple of months online and had Skyped (PG) before. I trusted him and felt very comfortable with him.  We chatted for a bit then moved back to my room. Convo gradually led to me pulling out all the toys I have. 

He had been encouraging me to try anal again and to get a training kit for it. I had gotten the kit but at that point I had only used the smallest of the plugs. He told me he wanted me to try the medium plug, so I handed him the plug and the lube. (I knew he wanted to do it anyways. We had discussed this scenario the night before actually.)

Surprisingly, he made it all about me (another first for me). His clothes never came off or undone. There was ass play, fingering, hair pulling, and spanking. I relished in all of it. I was most surprised at how much I enjoyed the ass play, but more on that in a future post. The entire experience was amazing. And while I was too nervous to cum, though we both tried hard, it still ranked (at that point in time, and I’d still say it was top 3 for now), as the best sexual experience of my life.

So no more vanilla sex for me! Seriously, after the little bit of kink I’ve gotten a taste of, I can’t go back. I even have a new rule. If I ever meet someone in a vanilla way, by the third date I’m asking, “How kinky are you?” If he’s not very kinky, I’m done. I thought my past sex life sucked before, now I know it did. Not going back and you can’t make me!

Stop grumbling. I’m sure there will be vanilla sex in any relationship I have. I’m not opposed to it on occasion, I just can’t go back to it as the only sex. That’s all I’m saying.

But yeah…first time with kink. Pretty mind blowing if you ask me! :)

Woke up sad this morning...

I did something last night that I’m sad about. Not the decision itself. I’m still certain it was the right decision for everyone involved, especially me. I honestly did not make it lightly but had thought on it for awhile.

My struggle with the decision lies more in upsetting two people I adore. I actually didn’t even think one of them would be upset with the decision, but they are. And I think that threw me more than anything. I truly despise upsetting people. And now I’ve upset two it seems. I don’t even know if they are mad, sad, disappointed, or what. I only know it feels like they are upset with me. And I’m sad I may not get to talk to them anymore.

I suppose life goes on, and I’ll learn to adjust either way. Just a little sad right now over the situation.

My apologies...

So sorry I haven't updated in forever! Part of it was I didn't have much to say. Part of it was my focus on starting a new job, and then being too exhausted when I got home from it to bother with much beyond goofing off, reading, and chatting.

I do have things to say though. So at least a few posts will be on their way shortly!

Ugh!

This NEED to play won't go away. So horny right now it's driving me NUTS! *sigh* Guess I'll just search out some good porn and take care of things the old fashioned way.

And if that's TMI, you should stop reading my blog. I needed to vent that frustration.

Weird mood tonight

So...this was always meant to be a place for me to share and vent my feelings and revelations about myself on this journey, and I'm going to do that, damn the consequences...

Tonight I'm CRAVING D/s. I want to be owned, and I want some real life play. Yeah, Sir owns me in a way but at the same time doesn't completely. It's weird. But I want to be and feel owned.

It's not exactly a new feeling. But I've never had this craving so strong before. And I don't really know how to handle this or what to do about it, outside of just pulling up my girl panties and getting over it.

Also trying to figure out if the mood is because of a weird conversation earlier or if my weirdness to the conversation is because of my mood. Hard to figure out really.

I thought a friendship had potential to move towards a friends with benefits situation, which I'm fine with having until I find something long-term. It gives me a chance to explore D/s and what I do and don't like in a situation where no one gets hurt if things don't work because I don't like something. But then today was a ton of talk of threesomes, to the point of me thinking that's all it would ever be. Which isn't necessarily D/s to me and doesn't give an opportunity for that D/s dynamic to ever really build. I couldn't really figure out earlier why the idea that it would only be threesomes bothered me so much. I was thinking it was because it would be so inconsistent because you'd constantly be searching for that third party, unless all three people were a consistent thing. But after thinking on it, I really think my issue is that I want a D/s "relationship" and that can't be built when the scenarios are ALWAYS threesomes.

Which may be dumb to say since if I ever do get to meet Sir and his wife it will be a threesome. BUT we've played online and built a D/s dynamic ahead of time. It just feels different to me.

I don't know. Maybe I read the situation all wrong...either side of it. I suck at reading signs and signals. I fuck 'em up all the time. Or maybe it's just my mood making me all weird about things. I suppose I'll figure it out in a few days once this mood passes. At least I hope it passes!

Or maybe I'm once again over-analyzing everything. Bah! Going to bed!

That One Word...

Anyone else out there have that one word or adjective you crave to be called? Maybe I’m just crazy (shush!), but I do. And for me that one adjective is “beautiful.” I don’t know why I crave to be called this. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t heard it very often over the course of my life. I’ve heard “pretty,” “hot,” “sexy,” and “cute,” but not often do I get “beautiful.” And sure, I’ve gotten “pretty,” but eh, to me “beautiful” is like five million notches above “pretty.” To me, “pretty” is used when they aren’t stunning but you want to be nice. 

Come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure I crave “beautiful” just because I’ve rarely been called it. I’ve never been called “stunning,” and if I’ve ever been called “gorgeous” it was only a handful of times. So perhaps it’s just something about that word. 

I’ve joked before with one of my best friends that I’d love for a guy to walk up to me and say, “You are so beautiful. Will you please go on a date with me?” Of course, I’m not used to that word or compliments, so I’d likely be trying to figure out what his game was if that actually ever happened. Haha!

Really though, I have no idea why “beautiful” is such a craving for me. All I do know is that the few times I’ve been called that I’ve lit up with one of the brightest smiles ever.

So, am I the only one? Or do you have a word you crave to be called, too?

I Think I May Be a Bit of an Exhibitionist

Sure, I got a 61% on the BDSM quiz I took, but it combined exhibitionist and voyeur, and I assumed it was in large part to me watching porn. But I’ve been posting less PG pictures on Fet, and I’ve been having fun doing it. I love taking private pictures for Sir, so I knew I had a touch of exhibitionist in me. But I got a little nervous about posting pics publicly. I'm slowly getting over that though because there is definitely something to be said for public praise. Haha! I suspect I’ll get more comfortable with less clothing in pictures as I post more and as I continue to lose weight and get more comfortable with my own body.

Intervention Needed?

FetLife has been incredibly slow or just popping up with error pages all morning. I think I'd be going nuts if it weren't for having Fet friends on Yahoo messenger. Haha!

But it makes me wonder...do I spend too much time on Fet? Probably. Especially considering I'll play on Fet from my phone if I'm not around my laptop. But isn't that how most new things work out? You spend a ton of time at it until some of the newness has worn off, and then you don't interact with it quite as much as you used to. Eventually, you figure out that balance between the new thing and everything else. And the new thing doesn't get as much of your attention as it once did.

Hmmm...

So, for whatever reason, I've felt sort of down lately. I think it's a result of being more emotional for the past week. It's easier for my emotions to take a dive. But the reason for this post, besides me annoying you with my sadness, is I've come to realize I do two things to escape my own head:

1. I read, because getting sucked into the life of someone else, helps me escape mine.
2. I try to talk to whoever I can, whenever I can, and wherever I can so as not to feel so sad and lonely.

The 2nd one probably isn't always a good idea. There are some psychos out there and I'm a natural flirt, but sometimes you end up meeting cool people. And in my defense, I usually start with trying to chat with friends first, but when no one else is online, I go elsewhere.

I should still probably stick with reading, especially since I have a ton of books on my TBR (To Be Read) shelf. But man, playing on Fet can be a good ego boost sometimes. At the very least I get to goof off. Haha.

Only Fools Rush In?

Yet another thread on Fet inspires a blog post. This one was called “Lack of self-control/putting out too quickly & ending up empty” under Submissive Women. The gist of the post questioning why sub women, particularly those looking for a long-term relationship (LTR), jump into “bed” with a Dom quickly, sometimes even on the first date.

I’ve seen it discussed around the site that this seems to also be particularly true for “new subs,” those people who have just joined the lifestyle or admitted that this is a part of them. Because they are new they have an over-eagerness which sometimes results into jumping into the first relationship which comes along, and it's not always a healthy one. I can attest to putting a lot of thought into this regarding myself.

Becoming Sir’s toy happened very quickly. I think within 2 or 3 days of me being on Fet. (Although, I will point out it was not the first D/s relationship offered to me either, so I like to think I'm at least semi-intelligent.) I sometimes question if it was TOO quickly. Admittedly, I could be in some sort of “honeymoon” or “eager newbie” phase, but since I’ve actually put a lot of thought into this, I think that is less likely. I don’t regret the decision.

And to be honest, the “eager” phase of new subs is exactly why. I know that things with Sir will never be long-term. But that only means I get to explore being a sub and go through my “eager” phase protected by that knowledge. I get attached to people fairly easily. I know this about myself. And I adore Sir immensely. And his wife. But I think knowing from the get go it has no potential to be long-term, when the relationship is ended, whether by Sir or me, the sting will be considerably less than it would be if I were in my first D/s relationship with the impression that it could be long-term. Your first love is always the hardest to lose, right? And I think the same logic applies here. My first D/s relationship could be the hardest to lose. I have no delusions that it won’t hurt a bit when it’s over, but since I know it will end eventually, I think it will be easier on me when that time comes. And I hope that even at the end of it I can remain friends with Sir and his wife.

This relationship truly is ideal on so many levels. 

1. I get to learn from both sides - Sir and his wife/sub. 
2. Being new, I recognize I’m eager for that D/s relationship, but since I have Sir, I don’t feel rushed to find just any potential LTR. I want a long-term relationship, but I can take my time and be smarter about finding it  because I have less of an overpowering need to have it RIGHT NOW. Thus, I have a higher chance at finding the right relationship for me.
3. Sir is AMAZING; since he knows what I am looking for, I have the freedom to search for that even while I’m his toy. Which is pretty damn ideal in my eyes.
4. Besides, being Sir's toy is awesome enough without all of the other bonuses included. ;)

So did I jump into being a toy for Sir too soon? Perhaps. 

Am I being naïve and too trusting? It’s entirely possible; I've been there before. Although, I really am going by my gut instincts on this. 

Do I regret it? Absolutely not. And I doubt that I ever will. I believe I truly lucked out on this one.

Insecurities. Yup, I Have Them.

For some reason I have been extra emotional this week. No clue why. Hormones? Situations I’ve found myself in? No idea. So please bear with the emotional post. I’ll try to keep the emotions at a minimum but it can’t be completely disregarded considering the topic.

Last night, I read and began following a thread which sort of hits home for me. It was called “Insecurities of a sub: Will I Always Be Enough?” The responses to the person’s question have been good, and I look forward to more advice from others.

I have a tendency to doubt myself a lot. "Did I do a good job?" "Did I do that right?" "Could I have done it better?" "Am I being annoying?" "Am I being too clingy?" "Do I really have what it takes to do that?" "What if I can’t do ____ right?" And the most basic, "Am I good enough?"

I hate that I have insecurities. I think it’s a mixture of low self-esteem/self-confidence, hating disappointing people, and being somewhat of a perfectionist at times.

And of course when it comes to sex, I REALLY have insecurities. With a sexual history full of disappointment I often ask myself, “Was it them or was it really me?” Lowest common denominator. Occam’s razor. Whatever you want to call it. I’m the consistent factor in that one.

I mean, the guys always came, but that doesn’t really prove anything to me. And I never seemed to inspire the guys to WANT to do everything they could to please me either. Maybe I just ended up with a bunch of pricks. Having only been with 10 guys sexually (not always sex, but some degree of fooling around beyond first base), it’s kind of a toss-up and a question I can’t really answer. (Only 10? Okay, I know 10 is a big number for a girl. But the scientist in me refuses to let 10 be a large enough pool for information gathering.)

So then I worry if I’ll be a good enough sub. ESPECIALLY since I’m new. I keep saying I need a Dom with a lot of patience because I fear I will screw up, A LOT. I don’t want to screw up. I want to be a good sub, but since I’m still learning all the “rules,” me screwing up is bound to happen. And I need someone who will gently tell me when I have messed up and how to fix it or do it right.

Then there’s also that scared little girl inside of me who is afraid of not measuring up to others. 

I know! I know! I shouldn’t compare myself to others. I know this. Easier said than done though.

For one example, on Fet, so many profiles have nude, or at least sexy pictures, on their profiles. (I know I keep going back to the pictures. But you'll understand why in a minute.) And, well, my album is very PG – fully clothed, nice pictures and a few silly shots. I’m tempted to put up shots of me in my bra and panties, or nude but covering certain spots. Tasteful pictures, but still in the realm of sexy. Maybe.

But then I have to ask myself WHY do I want to do it? Well, partly, I like the attention and praise. I won’t deny it feeds the ego. And partly because I see the comments others leave on sexy pictures, and part of me wants to be that good too and to be admired. I not only want to feel sexy, I want to know others find me sexy too.

I know that isn’t a good enough reason to post pictures though. And until I can believe that more of my reason is because I simply want to and less of “I want to be like her,” (her being a general “her” and not a specific person) I won’t let myself post them. The pictures will stay at PG. Maybe. I guess if Sir tells me to or suggests I should post a specific picture I’d probably do it, as long as I wasn’t completely nude.

Another example is the realm of dirty talk. I've come to realize I'm great at writing it, great at IMing it, but not so great at verbalizing it. And I feel bad for that because I know how much it turns me on to hear it. I wish I could reciprocate and I feel less than great for not being able to, but it just feels so strange when I get to the part of verbalizing. *sigh*

Dealing with my insecurities is a tough road to walk, especially when combined with my love of helping and serving others. I’ve been taken advantage of numerous times because of it. (Not always sexually. Get your mind out of the gutter! Haha!) I constantly need to try to determine where that line is of allowing myself to be used but not being taken advantage of to the point that I feel frustrated. And then in the instances when that line is crossed, how do I deal with upsetting or disappointing the other person when I tell them it has gone too far? Because in the past, I have felt HORRIBLE when I’ve had to do that.

I have a feeling there really are no specific answers to this question. It will just always be a part of me I struggle with. And for times when I’m feeling more emotional or needy and the insecurities roll in even more, I’ll try my best to beat them back and deal with the insecurities when I’m less emotional. Easier said than done, but it’s the only answer I’ve got right now.

My Friends and Family ROCK!

I just needed to get that out there. I love all of you, hardcore!

Read another thread on FetLife this morning, and once again there is conversation about how someone can't come out to her family and friends about her lifestyle choices. It got me to thinking. I have been amazingly blessed. Anyone who I've told, intentionally or accidentally, about my decision to explore this side of me has been amazingly supportive. In fact, a couple people told me they were proud of me for doing this, which made me smile so big it kind of hurt. LOL

Seriously though, the "worst" response I've gotten has been along the lines of, "O....k....Whatever works for you." And I'm learning who I can and can't talk to regularly about this. But even those I can't or don't talk to about this, I know they still love me and support me.

Granted, I'm not exactly telling EVERYONE. But I have told just about everyone who matters to me.

So, thank you for being your amazing selves and loving me a supporting me. I just wanted to tell you all that.

I’m Coming Out!

Okay, so it really wasn’t intentional, but mom found out about me being on FetLife and into BDSM. Just a note, don’t check FetLife on your phone when around people who will get nosy about what you are doing and your mom is around.

Mom and I were visiting a family member (or as I like to say "our sister from another mister") in the hospital. I decided to check FetLife for a quick minute. But then our friend begins questioning what I’m doing. And this is how that conversation played out:

Sis: Are you tweeting?
Me: No
Sis: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at a website (I’m a HORRIBLE liar and I’m an open person, so I don’t bother hiding things anymore.)
Sis: What website?
Me: *glances at mom then away* Uhhhhhh…..
Sis: What website are you looking at?
Me: I don’t want to tell you.
Sis: Why not?
Me: I don’t want you to judge me. *looks back at mom and away again*
Sis: We won’t judge you. You should know that by now.
Me: Okay….uhhhhhhhh….it’s FetLife.
Sis: What’s that?
Me: It’s a BDSM community.
Mom: Is this because of that S&M song?
Me: No. *laughs* Not at all. And before you ask, I’m not into pain. I just kinda figured out that when it comes to sex, I’m submissive.
Sis: Okay.

I later told mom flat out, “If you have any questions, ask. I’d rather you ask than just assume stuff.” It resulted in a really good conversation actually. And now I’m kind of okay with mom knowing this about me. I’m sure there will be awkward moments, but eh, after all I’ve heard about her & my dad’s sex life, she deserves some awkwardness from me. Hahaha!

Although, my favorite moment may have been:

Mom: So you like to be tied up?
Me: Well, I haven’t been yet, but yeah, it sounds really hot to me.

Mom: Huh.

My mom has her cooler moments, I must say. And as awkward as that conversation was then, I can laugh about it now.

NEW TERMS: Fapping/Slishing

Yeah, I pulled out the, “HUH?!?!” card too when I first read that. It just sounds so WEIRD!

So what do they mean? Simply put, it’s just yet another of the man ways to say “masturbating.” “Fapping” is the male version and “slishing” is the female version. How were those terms derived? They refer to the noises made when masturbating. 

They still sound weird to me, and I doubt I’ll ever say, “I was slishing.” I’m more likely to say, “I was having some alone time” or just flat out say, “I was playing with myself.” But eh, to each their own, right?

NEW TERMS: Heteroflexible/Homoflexible

I am certain I will be learning TONS of new terms on this journey because as with any trip into a new culture, you pick up new words, right? I’m going to bug you all when I learn new terms so that 1) it will help me memorize and process them, and 2) because I’m hoping I’ll expand your knowledge too.

Heteroflexible: A person who identifies as primarily heterosexual but can occasionally find the same sex appealing; or is willing, in some situations, to have contact with the same sex. (Taken from FetLife’s “Glossary of Kink.”)

Homoflexible: A person who identifies as primarily homosexual but can occasionally find the opposite sex appealing; or is willing, in some situations, to have contact with the opposite sex. (Taken from FetLife’s “Glossary of Kink.”)

As I understand it, you would not seek to date someone of the same sex if you are heterosexual or someone of the opposite sex if you are homosexual, but you would potentially be willing to have sex with them.

I was sort of relieved when I found these terms. Mainly because, well, I can now identify myself as heteroflexible. I’d probably never date a female, but I’m not opposed to a sexual encounter with one. Because of that I never wanted to identify myself as bisexual and give someone the wrong impression, but I didn't know how to refer to myself without a long explanation or just leaving it at "straight." However, I found out recently that saying I’m straight also gives the wrong impression since it makes it seem as though I’m unwilling to have sex or do things with another female.

Well, now I know. And as GI Joe always said, “Knowing is half the battle.”

What’s In A Name?

A person’s reaction to any name or title very much depends on many things. It depends on the person saying the name, the person hearing the name, the tone in which the name is said, when the name is said, and the name itself – your given name, your full name, a nickname, a pet name, or an insulting name.

Think back to when you were a child and one of your parents said your full name. You knew without a doubt you were in a world of trouble then, didn’t you?

Now think of a time when a loved one whispered your name or called you a pet name with affection. It probably made you smile, maybe melt a little bit, and probably a hundred different reactions beyond those two.

I know even with friends I get a smile on my face when I hear some of their nicknames for me. Most of the nicknames are random and sometimes the results of jokes, but they are personal to me and to the person saying it. How could I not feel loved and cherished by my friends when I hear those names?

A name can inspire a thousand reactions from the person hearing it. And sometimes it causes a reaction for the person saying it.

I think names are sort of a big deal in BDSM, at least that’s my humble, still learning opinion. I’ve seen a handful of discussions on FetLife about names and titles. It was the biggest question I had when entering upon this new journey. Well, really two questions, “What do I call a potential or future Dom?” and “When do I begin calling him that?” So one of the first things I did upon joining was seek out threads which answered those questions and read through them. 

I’m finding my reaction to various names and titles interesting. “Slut” and “whore” are fairly derogatory, and I’d probably punch or go off on anyone who randomly called me either of those on the street. Okay, I lie. I wouldn’t punch anyone because I’m not actually violent. I would just fantasize punching them, but you get the idea. I’d be pissed off. However, when Sir calls me either of those names when we are playing, I just get turned on more. An unusual reaction for most, but then again, I am on an unusual journey.

At the same time, when Sir calls me any of his pet names I light up. And if he puts “my” in front of any of them or my name, or if he just says “mine,” it makes it ten times better. (How many of my readers are cringing in their seats on that one? LOL!) I know, I know. I feel like such a ridiculous sap or a school girl with a crush if I actually stop to think about it. Which is why I don’t most of the time, I just go with it. Hehe.

As for what I call others, well, I’ve learned how much of a level of respect is involved with calling someone “Sir” or “Ma’am.” Despite what others have wanted, the only one I currently feel comfortable calling “Sir,” or even want to call “Sir,” is Sir. (Haha! That’s not confusing or anything.) And anyone who tries to bully me into calling them something I’m not ready to will find out real fast that just because I’m new and I’m a sub, it doesn't mean I am a doormat or completely naïve.

On the flip side of that, I hope that whenever I do call someone “Sir” or “Ma’am,” he or she recognizes the significance of it. Since it’s not something I say to every Dom/me, it matters when I do say it. Of course I frequently say “sir” or “ma’am” when interacting with people in my everyday life, but those are lower case and definitely a different connotation. 

The point to all this? Just that I’m learning how much names and the two people on either side of those names matters. I suppose it all matters just as much in everyday life as well, but there is a greater significance in the BDSM world. After all, calling my mom by her given name may receive a questioning look if the reason for it is not obvious, but it is not going to get me smacked. However, calling a Dom by his given name when we are playing would likely earn me a punishment real fast. At the same time, someone randomly calling me “babe” would earn them an “Excuse me?” with an I-Don’t-Think-So look. But Sir calling me “babe” simply brings a smile to my face.

What are your thoughts on it all?

When you are bored…

It’s probably not a good idea to come up with ways to get into trouble and/or taunt your Dom even though you are bored. 

Luckily, for me, I am a smart girl, and while I did share my ideas with Sir, I didn’t actually follow through with them. 

For example, I think it was smart to not follow through on the idea to IM Sir with a, “So, what are you up to you dirty little slut?”

Why in the name of God would I even consider that?! Because it would be hilarious. 

I blame FetLife for the idea though. They have a news feed and the other day the news feed informed me that Sir “is into being called a dirty little slut.” I died laughing for several minutes and had to use every ounce of will power to keep my mouth shut (aka keep my fingers from typing something horrible) when I read that. Sir meant he was into “giving” that, meaning he was into calling others a dirty little slut. But that’s not what the feed said. 

But when I thought of it again yesterday, I had the thought to IM Sir with, “So, what are you up to you dirty little slut?” Fortunately I didn’t follow through.  And I was told it was a good choice to not IM Sir with that. No clue what my punishment would’ve been, but I was too afraid of being intentionally ignored for awhile on that one. Besides, I want to be funny, not disrespectful, and that really would’ve been towing the line too much I think.

My other idea in my boredom was to take a picture of me sticking my tongue out and send it to Sir. He has already told me if I do that around him, my tongue will end up somewhere interesting (I know where it will go but I don’t think I should share that here.)

When I told Sir about that idea, he simply reminded me of where my tongue would end up. *sigh* 

I’m surprised he lets me get away with all the :P faces on IM. I really should stop doing that. It would probably be smart to practice restraining my desire to stick my tongue out. You know, before it ends up somewhere I may or may not want it. LOL

What Am I Looking For?

I think I get asked this question at least once a day. “So, what are you looking for?” Sometimes the question means, “What are you looking for in a D/s relationship?” Sometimes it means, “What are you looking for in a boyfriend/Dom?” Sometimes it means, “What are you looking for from FetLife?” And yet other times it means a combination of the above.

I’m actually considering writing out my response to the questions in a Word document and then copying and pasting it when I’m asked. Is that lazy of me? I suppose I could post it on my FetLife profile, but that sort of feels weird. I feel like that’s screaming, “I want a date, NOW!” and I’m not. Well, I’m not opposed to it if I click with someone, but after 3 disappointing months of trying three different dating websites, I kind of lost my enthusiasm for the whole thing. At least for now. 

Also, I got over my “I really want a boyfriend right now” phase. I figure, I’ve been single for over 4 years, at this point what’s the rush? I may as well take the time to make sure whoever I date is going to be someone I can really see myself with, right?

Although, in reality, I suppose that’s how it should go anyways, huh? Sometimes it's difficult to remember that when you just want to cuddle or get laid though. Haha!

I also feel as though posting a list of what I’m looking for in a guy/Dom or in a D/s relationship on my profile also gives the impression that the only reason I’m on Fet is to find a Dom. And it’s not. Do I want to find a Dom of my own? Yes, absolutely. But it’s not the only reason I’m on Fet. The other two main reasons are to get lifestyle friends and to learn more about BDSM, in general and specific aspects.

I’m learning it’s a little difficult wading through the guys who message and chat with me. I suppose that’s true in any situation, but seeing as how I have no real traditional dating experience, I think it’s even more difficult for me. Add to it that I am open and friendly and will talk to just about anyone. Which, by the way, I’m finding out is apparently not always a good thing. Guys who I thought were in agreement with me for a “just friends” thing turned around to get upset when I didn’t want more….mind you, I’ve only been on Fet and talking to anyone for about a week and a half, can I get a break if I don’t want to jump your bones in that short of time? And then guys who I thought wanted more but I wasn’t sure that I did, so I was upfront about that with them, got a little miffed that I would assume such things. Sort of makes me feel like I’m all thumbs. And I feel bad for it, but I’ll get over it. Or learn how to maneuver through it all.

In all honesty, there are only two guys I’ve met through Fet so far who I feel I just “clicked” with. And I'm surprised I can say there was even one I clicked with, let alone two. One guy I’m a toy for at the moment, and the other is a guy who has a lot of possibility of being my own Dom in the future. And before you ask, it’s kind of hard to pinpoint the “click.” I guess I feel like those two men “got me,” and they both respected my boundaries and let me move at a pace I was comfortable with, while still making their own wishes known.

With Sir, I felt an instant, gut deep trust in. No clue why. And sometimes my gut is wrong, (I have joked he may be a serial killer in reality. LOL) but I still trust him. 

With guy B, he expressed interested in me without being pushy about things. And he made me laugh. A lot. He understood my sarcasm too! Seriously, if you can spend two hours chatting about sex and being tied up or blindfolded or gagged or spanked and laugh for most of it, there’s something there. In my opinion, it implies there is a basic level of trust and comfort. As someone who is fairly inexperienced and shy, if I can joke that you aren’t allowed to tie me up until the third date because I have standards, yeah, I’m comfortable with you.

I’m actually learning that while I am sometimes wrong, usually my gut instincts are correct. Sometimes I’m too trusting, but when I have red flags going off, I now know I need to pay attention to them, even if I feel bad for feeling extra cautious with a person. I had red flags going up for the two guys who got upset with me and ignored the flags. And look where that got me.

So all of that to get around to the original question and how I'm developing the answers to it – What am I looking for?

In a D/s relationship – I don’t really know. I have some basic things I'd like to try, and I want to see what else I enjoy in the BDSM world. I suppose I should search out a “limit list” and go down it at some point. I know I’m against the idea of anything dealing with pee or poop and anything dealing with extreme pain or cutting or drawing blood. I don’t know if I’d like a 24/7 relationship, a bedroom only relationship, or some melding of the two. Without trying any of those, it’s kind of hard to say.

In a Dom - Patient, firm, sense of humor (it's the only way a smartass like me can survive I'm sure. Hehe!), patient, somewhat knowledgeable in the lifestyle/as a Dom. Oh and did I mention patient?

In a guy – Strong character, confident (not arrogant or egotistical), intelligent, patient, has a generous heart, honest and trustworthy, open minded, loyal, a sense of humor (he doesn’t have to tell the best jokes, just be able to laugh at me when I’m being a goofball), healthy lifestyle and eating habits, non-smoker, doesn’t do drugs, is disease free, has good hygiene, someone who is not afraid to voice his opinion on topics, and someone who eventually wants kids (I don’t care if they are birthed, adopted, or fostered, but I eventually want children).

In FetLife – That’s the easiest answer of all. I want friends. I want lifestyle friends I can turn to, and who I trust so when I have questions, I have people I know I can go to for the answers. Of course FetLife also has a million discussion groups so I can always peruse those for answers as well. And yes, eventually I’d like to find a Dom of my own. As I said before, one guy is a possibility, but I’ve learned not to count my chickens before they are hatched. So, for the meantime, I’m content being a toy and being able to learn and explore my desires in that role. And Sir knows I want my own Dom someday, so he is awesome enough to let me search for that even while I’m his toy. How can that situation be any more ideal really? Okay, well, Sir and his wife could live closer. That would be more ideal. Haha!

So what am I looking for? That depends on what you really want to know and when you ask me that question. Sure I have some answers now but those answers will change  and evolve as I learn and grow into being a more informed and better sub. And really, I guess that's sort of the point of this blog. Outside of being a place to share my funny stories with my friends. Haha!

Update on Permissions

So that people could subscribe for email updates, I had to open the blog up so that anyone can view it. It's no longer invite only. I just wanted to let you all know so you could take your name off of the follower list if you wanted to.

Say, "Cheese!"

Pictures are kind of an important thing on FetLife, and I’ve had to try to figure out what pictures I want to post and how much of myself I’m willing to reveal in said pictures. I know we are all just a bunch of pervs over on Fet, but I’m kind of enjoying my “kinky girl hidden behind a sweet and innocent exterior” persona.

And really, how well is a sexy, nude shot really going to go over when it’s sitting next to a shot of me taking a bite out of Snoopy’s cookie? 

Oh who am I kidding…no one would care, and Snoopy would cease being the favorite of all my pics in the "Favorite Picture" thread.

I began to question the picture thing yesterday morning. I took a couple of pics and sent them to Sir. One was on my knees, and I actually really liked the shot. It was a pic I would be willing to post on Fet. So I thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it some more.

Eventually, I came to this realization: Yeah, I could post sexy, naked pictures of myself on Fet, and eventually I may. (I’m not going to judge anyone who wants to do that for themselves because we all have different desires and some people's desire is to share themselves in that way.) But I think for me, for now, I’m going to leave the nudes for those who matter. I think it means more that way for the ones who receive the nude shots. It’s like a gift. I’m basically saying, “I won’t share my body with just anyone, but I will give it to you.”

Do you agree with me that it makes the nude pics mean more? Or am I just off my rocker?

FETISHES: Giving Blowjobs In Car While He Is Driving

I have a growing list of fetishes on FetLife. Some things I never considered a fetish. Some things really aren’t fetishes at all. But I think I’m going to do a feature on my “fetishes” and why I like each one. Perhaps a fantasy or story for each one too. 

I think the best way to tackle this is just to go down the list. But honestly, this fantasy is playing on repeat in my head so I need to get it out. So I’m gonna skip a whole bunch for now. Next time, I’ll go back to the beginning.

Why “Blowjobs In Car While He Is Driving?” What’s not to love about it? You are giving someone pleasure and torture at the same time. You get to suck and lick on a magnificent cock, but he can’t fully give into the pleasure of it since he has to concentrate on driving. There’s a thrill there. There’s also a trust. Trusting him to either hold it together and drive or pull off the road and give in. There’s power in the act even though you are still being submissive. You get to drive him wild…as long as you are doing a good job. Of course, there’s also the thrill of getting caught if it’s daylight out. Others could see in the car after all. Hehe.

So my fantasy for this one is really fairly simple but I still enjoy it…

I walk off the plane and into the airport. It’s early evening, the sun is setting. I’m a bundle of nerves and excitement. I finally get to visit Sir. I get to see him, touch him, smell him, be touched by him. I get to visit with his wife/sub too. I’ve grown so fond of both of them, after all.

I make my way through the airport with my bags. It’s just a weekend trip, so I was able to fit everything in my carry on. No need to waste time with baggage claim when I can do that.

I come to the security area finally, and I see him. My face lights up in excitement, and then I feel the nerves kick in again. This is really happening. It’s not just a fantasy anymore. I’m really here.

I make my way to him, my body unable to decide if it wants to move quickly or slowly. As I get closer, my eyes drop. I begin to worry. How do I act around him in real life? I’m still so new at the submission thing. Will I be any good at it? I hope I am. I want to be. I want to be a good sub for Sir. I want to please him. I want him to be proud of me. But I’m so unsure of how to act in person.

We approach one another, I glance up but then back down again, my shyness kicking in full force. But Sir knows what he’s doing. He’s a confident man. He puts a finger under my chin, lifts my face to meet his, and tells me, “Hey there, little one. How was your flight?”

I respond, “It was good, thank you.”

Sir gives me a hug and kisses my forehead, relaxing me, and says, “Good. Do you need to grab any more bags, or is that it?”

I respond, still shyly, “Nope, this is all I have.”

Sir replies, “Okay. Let’s head out to the car then.”

He leads me through the airport, out to the parking garage. We make our way to his car finally. Sir puts my bag into the back then opens the passenger side door for me. I climb in and buckle up my seat belt. Sir gets in on his side, buckles his seat belt, starts the engine and begins to back out of the parking spot. He slowly makes his way through the parking garage to the exit, paying the fee, and then pulling out into traffic. We make our way through the streets in silence. The radio is on low but I’m so nervous I barely pay attention. 

I’ve had this fantasy for awhile. I want to live it out but I don’t know if he’ll let me. Nor do I really know how good I’ll be at servicing that giant cock of his. It’s daunting. It makes me wet just looking at it, but it’s a little daunting for someone who hasn’t had sex in so long.

Once we hit the interstate, Sir looks over at me and says, “I’m glad you’re finally here. I can’t wait to stick my cock in that sweet mouth and tight little pussy.”

Quietly I say, “I can’t wait for that either, Sir.”

Sir cocks an eyebrow, “You can’t? You don’t have to wait.” I blink in shock and a thrill runs through me. “Get over here and put your lips around my cock.”

I quickly shift in my seat and lean across the console, stretching until my head is over his lap. I unzip his pants and reach in and through his boxer briefs, grabbing a hold of his already hard cock; this cock that I have been wanting for such a long time. I look up at him, unable to grasp that this is happening and hoping what I’m doing is okay. Sir senses my unease and gives me a slight nod. With that, I wait no longer and lick my tongue fully across the head of him. I moan at the taste of him, better than I could have imagined. Next, I lick the length of the underside of his cock, the tip of my tongue lingering and swirling around that sweet spot just below the head. 

Finally, finally, I wrap my lips around the head of his cock, sucking on it for just a minute. My hand grips the base of Sir’s cock, pumping slowly up and down while I suck on him. I begin to ease my mouth down and around Sir’s length, taking him in inch by inch until I can go no further.  I twirl my tongue around a little bit and suck, pulling back up. I continue to do this in tandem with my hand, paying attention to Sir’s entire length.

Sir weaves a hand into my hair, resting it on the back on my head. I moan at the contact and he forces me down further at the feeling of the vibration of my mouth on him. He hits the back of my throat. I gag a little bit, panicking slightly. I don’t know how to deep throat yet and Sir knows this. I want to please him but at the same time I hope he’s at least somewhat gentle with me the first time.

Sir guides my head up and down his length, fast some times, slow at other times. I switch hands, now gripping him with my left hand, allowing it to give attention to the parts of Sir’s glorious cock my mouth is yet unable to. With my right hand I reach down and begin to caress and roll Sir’s balls in my hand. He has told me he likes this, and I want to do everything I can to please him.

I work my hands in tandem with the rhythm Sir sets with my head on his cock. I feel his balls tightening up as Sir pushes my head down farther on his cock, releasing into my mouth. I swallow his cum down, accepting the gift he has given me.

I lick him clean and then tuck him back into his pants, zipping him up. I slide back over into my seat, saying, “Thank you, Sir.”

Sir responds, “Thank you, little one.”

We continue the last few minutes of the drive in silence, while I fight breaking out into the biggest grin ever, happy I could fulfill a fantasy and please Sir at the same time.

Why "The Taming of the Smartass?"

So what's with the title of my blog? It's quite simple really. I love sarcasm. I love being a smartass. I love being a goofball. All of them come fairly naturally to me. However, I'm quite certain that all three will get me a red tush or some equally horrible (enjoyable?) punishment at some point. Most likely frequently at that.

Yet another positive of joining FetLife was a thread I found over the weekend. One of the groups I'm in, Submissive Women, has a thread titled "Things you shouldn't **DO** to your Dom." And yeah, it's just that. I got to enjoy 24 pages of hilarious hijinks subs have done intentionally or unintentionally to their Dom/mes. It reassured me that just because I'm a smartass, it doesn't mean I'm not a sub.

So many of the stories had me rolling. My favorite story was this one, "Pop rocks blow job. Sounds like fun right? yeah make sure none of them get into the hole. And if one does, and then pops, DONT LAUGH!!!!"

I promise you I would NEVER EVER do that. But OMG was it hilarious! I laughed for at least 5 minutes on that one. I still snicker when I think about it.

That story reminds of another sub who thought it would be funny to tape sidewalk poppers to the bottom of the toilet seat - really to those tabs that hold the top seat from lying on the bowl directly. When her Dom sat down, they all went off, and he went a jumpin'. LOL That one sounds like an excellent April Fool's Day prank to me. Or just an excellent prank in general. Hehe.

Most stories simply brought me a good chuckle. Some stories reminded me of things I do often to friends, meaning I'm bound to slip up and do to a Dom at some point.

Rope stories were fun. Some would use the free end of the rope to hit their Dom/me. *laughs* Some wanted to use it to play tug of war. And some would sing or whistle while waiting for ropes to be tied. THAT one is something I would so do. I constantly hum the Jeopardy theme song around people when I'm waiting on them to say or do something. Oh yeah, that one's happening eventually. Probably multiple times too.

A lot of subs liked to run away from their Dom/mes. That's just WRONG! I imagine it's hilarious though. I often will do or say something to a friend which will begin a chase, and I yell out, "Run, run as fast as you can. Can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man!" Being chased around the room/house sounds kind of hot, no? *snickers*

One thing for the "Fun Being a Smartass" vault was inspired by me telling someone yesterday, "Oh, yeah? Watchya gonna do?" I have had to watch Cops or at the very least hear the theme song so many times in my life it's ridiculous. This is how I see this one playing out:

     Me: *does something stupid but funny/cute*
     Dom: Stop.
     Me: *repeats action*
     Dom: Stop. Or else.
     Me: Oooooh. *sings, 'Whatchya gonna do, whatchya gonna do when they come for you?'* *giggles*
     Dom: That's it! *walks over, grabs me, & drags me off to punish me*

Try telling me with a straight face you didn't at least crack a smile. LOL

Oh, and before I end this post, I'd like to prove how in trouble I'll get myself...I'm already in trouble. Apparently, even though you want to surprise Sir with pictures of you, it's preferable to ask him if it's a good time for such things or they may be accidentally viewed around other co-workers. Oopsie! No one else saw this time. But yeah. I'm in for a punishment for that one. No clue what it is, but he liked the pictures so I doubt it'll be too horrible. *snickers and skips away*

Sigh

So, a huge thing about me is this: I HATE disappointing, pissing off, or hurting anyone. It makes me feel like shit most of the time. Sure, sometimes I just have to stand up to someone and they'll get pissed off, but I'm usually justified and so don't feel as bad about it.

Well, last night I apparently hurt someone. A lot. I'd been chatting with a guy I met on FetLife. I had made it clear, or so I thought (though I don't know how I can get any clearer than "I just see you as a friend."), that I was only interested in friendship from him. He even joked often he was "trying to behave." So I assumed he understood. But apparently not. Last night he made a comment that he could do to me what was in a pic I had commented on. I'm all for platonic flirting, but knowing that this guy liked me a lot, I didn't think he was platonicly flirting with his offer, so I responded, "No thank you." To which he said, "Ouch!" Understandable and a fair response. I apologized but he continued with his guilt trip. Even going so far to post about it in his status on Fet - no names were said, just said he was tired of speaking up and getting hurt and so he was going to shut up from now on.

I felt and still feel HORRIBLE. I know I probably shouldn't. I made my intentions of friends only clear, or at least tried to. And logic would state that it would NEVER work between us. His profile says he is a Switch, but he told me he felt like dominating in the bedroom lately. But all of his actions screamed "sub!" to me. He constantly asked me what I thought of him and his pictures and if I missed him that day. Okay, I know I can be pretty damn needy at times, but even I reign that kind of stuff in, especially when just starting to get to know someone. I don't understand why he doesn't see that we wouldn't be a good match, but I guess that part isn't really my problem.

His guilt trip made me feel horrible all night. Other things which wouldn't normally have upset me, did since I was so emotionally raw from feeling so guilty. I went to bed wanting to cry myself to sleep, but the tears wouldn't come. One of the times I hate that it's so damn hard for me to cry since I know it would be a stress relief right now. I woke up several times over the course of the night. I knew I would. When I have guilt eating at me, I don't tend to sleep well.

Well, this morning I wake up with an idea to make myself feel better and to surprise my Sir. Yeah, think before acting. Actually, normally, sending picture messages without asking first and causing a possible "oops" would most likely make me crack up laughing. It's just after last night, the emotions are a little raw. *sigh*

I'll get over it all eventually. And probably laugh about the picture thing later today or tomorrow.

Thanks for "listening" to me whine. I promise not many posts will be this bad. I just had to get this one off my chest.

Welcome!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.