Insecurities. Yup, I Have Them.

For some reason I have been extra emotional this week. No clue why. Hormones? Situations I’ve found myself in? No idea. So please bear with the emotional post. I’ll try to keep the emotions at a minimum but it can’t be completely disregarded considering the topic.

Last night, I read and began following a thread which sort of hits home for me. It was called “Insecurities of a sub: Will I Always Be Enough?” The responses to the person’s question have been good, and I look forward to more advice from others.

I have a tendency to doubt myself a lot. "Did I do a good job?" "Did I do that right?" "Could I have done it better?" "Am I being annoying?" "Am I being too clingy?" "Do I really have what it takes to do that?" "What if I can’t do ____ right?" And the most basic, "Am I good enough?"

I hate that I have insecurities. I think it’s a mixture of low self-esteem/self-confidence, hating disappointing people, and being somewhat of a perfectionist at times.

And of course when it comes to sex, I REALLY have insecurities. With a sexual history full of disappointment I often ask myself, “Was it them or was it really me?” Lowest common denominator. Occam’s razor. Whatever you want to call it. I’m the consistent factor in that one.

I mean, the guys always came, but that doesn’t really prove anything to me. And I never seemed to inspire the guys to WANT to do everything they could to please me either. Maybe I just ended up with a bunch of pricks. Having only been with 10 guys sexually (not always sex, but some degree of fooling around beyond first base), it’s kind of a toss-up and a question I can’t really answer. (Only 10? Okay, I know 10 is a big number for a girl. But the scientist in me refuses to let 10 be a large enough pool for information gathering.)

So then I worry if I’ll be a good enough sub. ESPECIALLY since I’m new. I keep saying I need a Dom with a lot of patience because I fear I will screw up, A LOT. I don’t want to screw up. I want to be a good sub, but since I’m still learning all the “rules,” me screwing up is bound to happen. And I need someone who will gently tell me when I have messed up and how to fix it or do it right.

Then there’s also that scared little girl inside of me who is afraid of not measuring up to others. 

I know! I know! I shouldn’t compare myself to others. I know this. Easier said than done though.

For one example, on Fet, so many profiles have nude, or at least sexy pictures, on their profiles. (I know I keep going back to the pictures. But you'll understand why in a minute.) And, well, my album is very PG – fully clothed, nice pictures and a few silly shots. I’m tempted to put up shots of me in my bra and panties, or nude but covering certain spots. Tasteful pictures, but still in the realm of sexy. Maybe.

But then I have to ask myself WHY do I want to do it? Well, partly, I like the attention and praise. I won’t deny it feeds the ego. And partly because I see the comments others leave on sexy pictures, and part of me wants to be that good too and to be admired. I not only want to feel sexy, I want to know others find me sexy too.

I know that isn’t a good enough reason to post pictures though. And until I can believe that more of my reason is because I simply want to and less of “I want to be like her,” (her being a general “her” and not a specific person) I won’t let myself post them. The pictures will stay at PG. Maybe. I guess if Sir tells me to or suggests I should post a specific picture I’d probably do it, as long as I wasn’t completely nude.

Another example is the realm of dirty talk. I've come to realize I'm great at writing it, great at IMing it, but not so great at verbalizing it. And I feel bad for that because I know how much it turns me on to hear it. I wish I could reciprocate and I feel less than great for not being able to, but it just feels so strange when I get to the part of verbalizing. *sigh*

Dealing with my insecurities is a tough road to walk, especially when combined with my love of helping and serving others. I’ve been taken advantage of numerous times because of it. (Not always sexually. Get your mind out of the gutter! Haha!) I constantly need to try to determine where that line is of allowing myself to be used but not being taken advantage of to the point that I feel frustrated. And then in the instances when that line is crossed, how do I deal with upsetting or disappointing the other person when I tell them it has gone too far? Because in the past, I have felt HORRIBLE when I’ve had to do that.

I have a feeling there really are no specific answers to this question. It will just always be a part of me I struggle with. And for times when I’m feeling more emotional or needy and the insecurities roll in even more, I’ll try my best to beat them back and deal with the insecurities when I’m less emotional. Easier said than done, but it’s the only answer I’ve got right now.