What Am I Looking For?

I think I get asked this question at least once a day. “So, what are you looking for?” Sometimes the question means, “What are you looking for in a D/s relationship?” Sometimes it means, “What are you looking for in a boyfriend/Dom?” Sometimes it means, “What are you looking for from FetLife?” And yet other times it means a combination of the above.

I’m actually considering writing out my response to the questions in a Word document and then copying and pasting it when I’m asked. Is that lazy of me? I suppose I could post it on my FetLife profile, but that sort of feels weird. I feel like that’s screaming, “I want a date, NOW!” and I’m not. Well, I’m not opposed to it if I click with someone, but after 3 disappointing months of trying three different dating websites, I kind of lost my enthusiasm for the whole thing. At least for now. 

Also, I got over my “I really want a boyfriend right now” phase. I figure, I’ve been single for over 4 years, at this point what’s the rush? I may as well take the time to make sure whoever I date is going to be someone I can really see myself with, right?

Although, in reality, I suppose that’s how it should go anyways, huh? Sometimes it's difficult to remember that when you just want to cuddle or get laid though. Haha!

I also feel as though posting a list of what I’m looking for in a guy/Dom or in a D/s relationship on my profile also gives the impression that the only reason I’m on Fet is to find a Dom. And it’s not. Do I want to find a Dom of my own? Yes, absolutely. But it’s not the only reason I’m on Fet. The other two main reasons are to get lifestyle friends and to learn more about BDSM, in general and specific aspects.

I’m learning it’s a little difficult wading through the guys who message and chat with me. I suppose that’s true in any situation, but seeing as how I have no real traditional dating experience, I think it’s even more difficult for me. Add to it that I am open and friendly and will talk to just about anyone. Which, by the way, I’m finding out is apparently not always a good thing. Guys who I thought were in agreement with me for a “just friends” thing turned around to get upset when I didn’t want more….mind you, I’ve only been on Fet and talking to anyone for about a week and a half, can I get a break if I don’t want to jump your bones in that short of time? And then guys who I thought wanted more but I wasn’t sure that I did, so I was upfront about that with them, got a little miffed that I would assume such things. Sort of makes me feel like I’m all thumbs. And I feel bad for it, but I’ll get over it. Or learn how to maneuver through it all.

In all honesty, there are only two guys I’ve met through Fet so far who I feel I just “clicked” with. And I'm surprised I can say there was even one I clicked with, let alone two. One guy I’m a toy for at the moment, and the other is a guy who has a lot of possibility of being my own Dom in the future. And before you ask, it’s kind of hard to pinpoint the “click.” I guess I feel like those two men “got me,” and they both respected my boundaries and let me move at a pace I was comfortable with, while still making their own wishes known.

With Sir, I felt an instant, gut deep trust in. No clue why. And sometimes my gut is wrong, (I have joked he may be a serial killer in reality. LOL) but I still trust him. 

With guy B, he expressed interested in me without being pushy about things. And he made me laugh. A lot. He understood my sarcasm too! Seriously, if you can spend two hours chatting about sex and being tied up or blindfolded or gagged or spanked and laugh for most of it, there’s something there. In my opinion, it implies there is a basic level of trust and comfort. As someone who is fairly inexperienced and shy, if I can joke that you aren’t allowed to tie me up until the third date because I have standards, yeah, I’m comfortable with you.

I’m actually learning that while I am sometimes wrong, usually my gut instincts are correct. Sometimes I’m too trusting, but when I have red flags going off, I now know I need to pay attention to them, even if I feel bad for feeling extra cautious with a person. I had red flags going up for the two guys who got upset with me and ignored the flags. And look where that got me.

So all of that to get around to the original question and how I'm developing the answers to it – What am I looking for?

In a D/s relationship – I don’t really know. I have some basic things I'd like to try, and I want to see what else I enjoy in the BDSM world. I suppose I should search out a “limit list” and go down it at some point. I know I’m against the idea of anything dealing with pee or poop and anything dealing with extreme pain or cutting or drawing blood. I don’t know if I’d like a 24/7 relationship, a bedroom only relationship, or some melding of the two. Without trying any of those, it’s kind of hard to say.

In a Dom - Patient, firm, sense of humor (it's the only way a smartass like me can survive I'm sure. Hehe!), patient, somewhat knowledgeable in the lifestyle/as a Dom. Oh and did I mention patient?

In a guy – Strong character, confident (not arrogant or egotistical), intelligent, patient, has a generous heart, honest and trustworthy, open minded, loyal, a sense of humor (he doesn’t have to tell the best jokes, just be able to laugh at me when I’m being a goofball), healthy lifestyle and eating habits, non-smoker, doesn’t do drugs, is disease free, has good hygiene, someone who is not afraid to voice his opinion on topics, and someone who eventually wants kids (I don’t care if they are birthed, adopted, or fostered, but I eventually want children).

In FetLife – That’s the easiest answer of all. I want friends. I want lifestyle friends I can turn to, and who I trust so when I have questions, I have people I know I can go to for the answers. Of course FetLife also has a million discussion groups so I can always peruse those for answers as well. And yes, eventually I’d like to find a Dom of my own. As I said before, one guy is a possibility, but I’ve learned not to count my chickens before they are hatched. So, for the meantime, I’m content being a toy and being able to learn and explore my desires in that role. And Sir knows I want my own Dom someday, so he is awesome enough to let me search for that even while I’m his toy. How can that situation be any more ideal really? Okay, well, Sir and his wife could live closer. That would be more ideal. Haha!

So what am I looking for? That depends on what you really want to know and when you ask me that question. Sure I have some answers now but those answers will change  and evolve as I learn and grow into being a more informed and better sub. And really, I guess that's sort of the point of this blog. Outside of being a place to share my funny stories with my friends. Haha!